The Indigo Sanctuary

I'm so fuckin' sorry

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 19:34:06 GMT

First off i want to start by appologising to everyone who was there on Saturday for what a mess i was. I don't remember much other than bleating away and for that i am sorry. It's not fair of me to put all you guys through so much when you only came out to have a good time.

I feel i owe you all an explanation at the very least but, i feel that also i should appologise for that too because it does not make for easy reading.

A lot of you guys know that i remember a lot and, that if you say something to me that i will likely never, ever forget it. So now i wan't to share with you all my memories before they break me.

Some of you may know that i had to bury Kat on Friday, some of you may not. Going through the greif i came to the realisation that in the end i was not that close to her but, still it hurts. It hurts like hell and, i really don't know what i am going to do if i ever have to bury any of you guys. I really don't think i could take it. It also really hurts knowing that of all the people on this earth i am one of the only ones she ever told the truth of things too and, if i owe her nothing else, i owe her the dignity that the truth be known and, that everyone know the secret she entrusted to me.

All her life Kat was abused. Mentally, physically and, Sexually. It all goes back to when she was 6. Most children can look to there parents for support, and, despite the sibling rivalary, love there brothers and sisters but, Kat never could. All her childhood her father told how horrible, fat and, ugly she was, while her mother stood idle and, secretly he abused her. Her father, was a member of a peadophile ring and would take her away often to the house of one of his friends where several people would as Kat put it "Take Turns" whilst filming and, photographing this whole horrible ordeal. This never stopped even whilst i was with Kat her father continued to rape her, once at the wake of her grandmother of all places, whilst her mother was one room below. She also told me of all the times that she was forced to fist fight with her brother by her eldest brother until someone was knocked out.

Another horror that Kat revealed to me was that of Sagius as some of you may know him or, to disallow him his pretence, Robert. I know that a lot of you had suspisions about him and, now i give you the truth. The truth of Robert is that he has been arrested for the possesion of child pornography and, that whilst he was with Kat he would make her retell the stories of his abuse in order to get himself off, rape her, keep her locked up and, now i can also tell you that when his sister was 11 he did also rape her.

With the pain of recalling all this i have also opened my own old wounds and, now i ready to let it all out. I have to because i have bottled up too much for too long and as Frank told me, nobody knows who i am because i never open up. So here it is.

My story is not a lot different from Kats except that with me it was always my mother. Constantly grinding me into the ground, telling me how worthless i am, blaming me for all her suffering and, now with the flashbacks i have had of late far worse. I'd forgotten how i was forced to share a bed from a very early age and, the things that she did to me. Things that had become no more than a vaugue nightmare but now i remeber them, i wish so much that i could forget. Also remembering that going through all this as a child the bullying at school and, far worse at home, that my father was never there for me. He still isn't. He is now as he was then, an alcoholic who can't bring himself to admit it. He is so hung up on his first love that he never put anything into his marriage with my mother and, now i watch day after day as he falls deeper into his senility, knowing that someday, i will be that mad too.

Over the years i have tried so hard to hide from who i am, what these people turned me into and everytime i have tried i have only succedeed in pushing myself closer to it. The self harm used to set me free, so did the promiscuity but now all they have done is brought me closer to my own destruction. All the self harm did was leave me with wounds that i am now covering with tattoos and, my fooling around only led to a feeling of distatse with myself and getting raped. I don't want it to all end this way, i really don't, but, i just feel so close to the edge and if it had'nt have been for Anjii on Saturday i was going for a short walk into traffic.

Now i have lost the love of my life because of who i am am and, now i am with someone who could'nt give a flying fuck about me, who is avoiding me and, who i can't bear to be sober around because it only makes the loss of Andrea that much more real. Living hurts so much at the momment and i can barely bare soberity.

I am just so sorry that you all have to suffer me and, i hope you can find it inside yourselves to forgive me, i am so sorry.

Party!!!

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 17:23:13 GMT

Jus a quick reminder to everyone tat the party is still on and, the date is set for 28 July.

Look forward to seein you all there!

... And all was well...

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 20:23:18 GMT

Good news everyone, the date of the party is now confirmed and, set in stone for Saturday 28th of this month. So i hope to see you all there with your drunken party going faces on. :0)

In other news things have taken a few twists and turns over the past week or so...

My slacking has finally paid off it seems and i have been put on a PIP (Personal Improvement Plan) at work. Now this is essentially the equivalent of being put on a report at school, so, the natural assumption would be that this could'nt possibly be a good thing. Well, that could be the case unless you intentionally set yourself up for the fall.

You see my workplace has a strange trend of if your not improving then you must be falling behind and, if it's not written down it did'nt happen. So since i really don't want to have to overwork myself aiming for things when i really don't see this as a career, i needed to think of a way where by it appears that i have acheived without doing a thing (more or less).

Usually, you see when you maintain the status quo, nothing happens, not a thing, like balancing a set of scales. However my workplace has a slightly broken set of scales, where by, if you dont improve they punish you at pay review time. So now i have the rather comfortable task of "performing well" compared to what i was doing before and, my PIP ensures it all has to be documented by management.

So, no pay drop for me thank you very much.

Also, while at the negotiation table i was able to wangle myself on to the MA (Microsoft Associates) course, all being well when it comes round in September (When my PIP ends and, my pay review takes place). I love it when a plan comes together. :0D.

Also, my new found position and the PIP has turned me into a Martyr for all my colleagues. So now they are all behind me and, Mr how i scorn thee is out in the cold.

... and all was well...

How i scorn thee, let me count the ways...

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 19:21:37 GMT

Such an upbeat title, huh??

Well, for once i can happily say it's not without undue reason. You see there's been this guy whos been bugging me for a very long time. Notably because he's an arsehole but, well, a speacial kind of arsehole. The main three reasons he pisses me off beyond all beleif being -

He's Sexist
He's Racsist
He's Homophobic

And is therefore by my levels of tolerance, well, untollerable. Now today has given me a prime oppurtunity because i received the "gleeful" news that he and i would have to work together for the foreseeable future. Now although it's going to be hell for me, i am going to make sure its a lot worse for him.

So now i am with the dilema of how best to dispatch justice on this individual... Suggestions anyone??

Time to get reallyyyyyyyyyyyy drunk...

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 23:58:18 GMT

It's like so early in the morning and, i cant schleep... urghhh. Anywho, not sleepin' gives a person time to think and, heres what the conclusion of tonights thoughts are...

...I need to throw a party...

Well i think it's about time i threw a party and, so well, thats what i am gonna do. So i was thinking maybe a theme would be good but, i dont know if everyone could be bothered so i'll leave it up to you guys. Also, i'll leave it up to you guys what you think we should theme it on...

So yeah, time wise were looking at a month a way so theres plenty of fore warning for you all that want in.

Invites going out to (people who might for some reason read this), (in alphabetical order) -

Anjii
Audrey
Carl
Charlotte
Frank
Jazz
Napoleon
Owen

Also, feel free to bring a guest or SO and, i am sorry if i forgot you on that list but i am knackered.

Can anyone whos interested drop a comment on here so i can get an idea of numbers for the alcohol and stuff. Cheers.

It's been a long road, getting from there to here....

Fri, 04 May 2007 20:39:35 GMT

Last night i found myself takin a stroll down memory lane and, you know what!? I had so forgotten some things!

Now i can be a bit ditsy from time to time, but, i mean i had forgotten a lot, a lotta lot, lol. Even just reading back over my past few dozen entries i remembered a world of things i had so forgotten i had done and, well to be honest i really should'nt have, lol.

Not that there that important that is but, well, at the time they were fuckin huge!. Going back i can see all the lil' obsessions that took up my past, the twists and turns on the path that i have walked and, the things that become little more than a wisp in distant memory, cities to dust, so to speak.

Still, i love that i can use this place as a reflecting pool. I know a lot of what i write makes little to no-sense or, has no particular relavance to anything i have been upto, but, thats kindda intentional. Each entry is more like a trigger to me. It may say one thing but, to me it will mean a lot, lot more. To me it will have memories and, show me what my state of mind was when i wrote it, sortta like a snapshot of my psyche that only i can really see. Not a lot of fuckin use to most the people readin it but, hey, jus' read it as it's written, it's still usually got some relavance!

Night everyone!

Thu, 03 May 2007 23:12:43 GMT

Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep?
To the very toes he is terrified
Because the ground gives way under him,
And the dream begins...

- Freidrich Nietzsche

Metallica Discographi!!!

Thu, 03 May 2007 18:08:55 GMT

Well, after all the fire and brimstone bout "hacking" in mi last post (tho i doubt anyone actually was that concerned), i thought i'd show you all the perkx that it can bring!

So as it says in the title, here is...

http://ballagurgrad.com/music/m/MetallicA/

13 albums for your listening pleasure (Including that really dodgy one with everyone covering Metallica songs). This one is going out primarily to Anjii and Frank to fill in the gaps in their collections, tho i guess some other people might want it too.

So if you have any requests and, i know who you are in some context or another, post it in a comment and, i'll do mi best.

Deeper into the looking glass

Tue, 01 May 2007 19:35:21 GMT

Well, of late i've been investing some time in study (totally out of character huh??), lol...

But seriously i have!. I've been lookin at the world around me, looking at all the little holes and thinking of things to probe them with... I think at this point it might be wise to mention i am on about the virtual world, that being the place where i now live for the most part and, i am not walking around looking for holes in fences to stick my bits through.

So, yeah. It appears there are a fair old few, well lets be honest there are fookin hundreds due to the general incompatence of people who are allowed to own websites. Okay, maybe incompetance is a bit harsh but, they really need to consider that a chain is only as good as its weakest link and if i really wanted to, there would be very little to stop me snapping it.

Possibly a more poinient example would be to say that simply by openenig up this page you could have been hijacked, hacked, cracked, well, whatever i had wanted to do really. But you have'nt been!!! lol, only my friends read this and i would'nt do that to you guys, jus a way of illustrating my point ;)

So, yeah, if anyone wants to know how or anything, i'll happily tell you if i know you... But if i don't.... Errrr.... Well, Fuck off!. lol

In the meantime keep yourself safe by doing or, not doing the following. ;)

- Avoid online hosting where possible
- Do not visit any website that you do not trust or, know the content of.
- Change passwords as often as possible, probably once a week would be a good choice, possibly more often
- No admin anywhere will ever ask you for your password, never give it out!
- Never run an executable from an unknown source (this one should be common sense tho)
- Never open any document with an extention that you do not know the meaning of (Espeacially .vb and .vbs)
- Never use the auto password save option on anything

That should be all for now, safe surfin y'all.

Peace out

How a song can change you....

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 21:04:20 GMT

The young man stepped into the hall of mirrors
Where he discovered a reflection of himself

Sometimes he saw his real face
And sometimes a stranger at his place

He fell in love with the image of himself
and suddenly the picture was distorted

He made up the person he wanted to be
And changed into a new personality

The artist is living in the mirror
With the echoes of himself

404 - Sanity Not Found

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 21:27:49 GMT

Well, it's been a while since mi last update, so, errrr.... here it is....

Thursday -

Hmmmmm... i spent Thursday breaking mi boss mentally, cus i'm nice like that. In fairness, she did start it and, i'm not alone in being pissed at her. Shes one of these people who does'nt really have to do too much other than be herself to piss off the masses, sort of like the human equivalent to VD. That is to say she is an irritating cunt.

So, yeah, i broke her good and proper. Screwed her mind up to the point where she could'nt even concentrate enough to yell at mi. She was jittering and, flailing... Then she just collapsed in a heap on her desk. I am so proud of mi handi work. I've really got madness down to a fine art over the past few monthes.

Friday (13th) -

I now have a theory that Friday 13th's are so bad because people beleive they will be. So much negativity, in such a concentration is bound to have some kind of effect. This time around i noticed that everyone seemed a lil' coo coo, even the animals. Still, on the plus side i realised this soon enough to be free from its thrull... In fact i had a rather good day!.

Another strange thing i noticed was that the day seemed so long and, then on the Saturday morn, it seemed so long ago, like a distant memory... Well i thought that was resonably strange anywho.

Saturday -

Spent the day running around like a mad man trying to do a million and one things at once. Found a place that does kick ass pizzas in the proccess tho... like there was as much chicken on the pizza as there was cheese! and, it was cheap too!!. I so gotta go back there.

Then i had a lovely long chat on messenger with Andrea and, we realised that its less than 30 days to go too... And it was our 2 month aniversary. Damn, that was such a good feeling :D.

Sunday -

Woke up at 3 and realised that i'd either finally wound up in hell or, it was another day of unpresedented heat... It was the later, cus, well they don't have internet access in hell, so i would'nt be able to write this. So after treaking around aimlessly i finally wound up back at the apartment, chips and dips in hand. Which was good. I also found a cherry flavoured milkshake when i was out. That suprisingly was also good. I mean i like cherries but, i did'nt think they'd work in a milkshake.

So now i'm chattin away happily on messenger again and, updating here.

In other news i have decided to put a document together with all the tricks i know on the net on it... Like proxy avoidance, free MP3's and stuff... Might put a bit on viruses and bots on there for "educational" purposes too... So if anyone wants a copy, drop mi a comment and, i'll send you one... Also if anyone has anything they wanna see in it put that in a comment too.

P.s - In case your wondering bout the pictures. Theres no real reason for them being there other than i think there pretiful.

Logic looks better this way up...

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:32:52 GMT

Work is kike a vampire sucking out my soul through my monitor, leeching from my fingertips as i pour heart and soul into those keys. I always thought it as possible but, never before did i first hand witness a temporal distortion... I mean, its like as soon as i sit in that seat i am instantly drained of all the energy in my body and, even my body is no longer my own, my mind floats off and i dream a nights worth of dreams in the blink of an eye...

Also the comatose it offers me affords for a new way of thinking, inverse logic. That is to say, what if things were the inverse of what they are believed to be, would they not make more sense.

For example, Area 51. Everyone is so wrapped up in trying to get in that, they havent considered that maybe it was'nt built to keep us out... Maybe it was built to keep something else in. Now the need for this does not need to be extraterestial even. Again this would be simply pandering to assumption and straight thought. I mean all i'm saying is that what ever happened to the majority of the US' nuclear stockpile, disarmed, i doubt so. And, we all know the best place to hide WMD's is a desert... Just ask the monkey in charge. So, yeah, thats my theory. Well, part of it anywho. To say they were stockpiled would suggest that it was for a reason, you don't keep anything for nothing right??. So why keep a stockpile of nuclear arms hidden away from the public, when we all know that America has nuclear capabilities anyhow, none too logical huh?? Well, there are a number of possibilities really...

Political calm... Since everybody is so certain that Area 51 is a top secret alien research center they won't be shitting bricks that there country is ready and prepared to go to nuclear war in the blink of an eye...

Other countries have similar institutes... Lets not overlook the our eastern counterpart in the cold war. Chances are they did the same behind closed doors. So, i guess the cold war never ended. It probably never will...

Energy... There is documentation of "UFO" activity over Area 51. More likely is that the US is harnessing nuclear energy for new hi-tech fighter jets and, new advanced weaponary projects (such as the Star wars project). Enriched plutonium would indedd make for a valuable energy source but, as we all know, nuclear energy strikes fear in the heart of the world. A good reason for doing things behind the curtain so to speak...

Now i mentioned the star wars project there. Don't for a second think that i am getting back into the mediocrity of the US goverment covering up alien exsistence. Even if they are, the star wars project has nothing to do with that in the slightest. The star wars project was initially dreamed up (or so its documented) in some attemptto create weapons to protect America from alien threats. But, then again, these were so called "top secret" documents that were leaked by covert sources. Convienient really??. How about the likely hood that now space travel is possible, the US want to protect its interests with this new frontier to conquer. Well, because they are a bit power mad like that...

Then i reflected on the irony if Jack the Ripper had been killed by a woman, no - one ever did find out who he was for certain... not 100% certain anywho, or, what if Jack the Ripper was a woman... Its another possibility.

See the freedom you get when you are ready to let the logic go!?.

Oh, yeah. The other thought i could'nt shake was why the hell do i eat shish kebbabs. I mean, i am no big fan of bell peppers and, it goes against every bit of sanity i have left to stick a burning hot piece of pointy metal in my mouth. Such strange but, strangely compelling food...

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 21:05:33 GMT

Quote of the week

"i was a catholic school girl... until i said that beliving in jesus is like beliving in Clifford the big red dog... then i got exspelled

W o w, it's been so good to finally have some time off, even if tommorow is the day of looming, impending doom at work when i have to *shock* talk to the general public!...

Were all doomed!, lol.

So many great thing that have happened over these 4 days, there was the 17 hour messenger marathon with Andrea... God i loved that *uber grin*. The drinking session that resulted in a dart being thrown at mi and, the discovery that i can throw three darts at a time effectivly.... And oh, god the peace and relaxation.. god, it was like so good!

So its been so good to have all this time and, to be able to spend it with Andrea *smooches* :)

Peace out!

Home Made Cottage Pies!?!?

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 04:20:12 GMT

21 hours awake and there is a voice in my head that keeps repeating the phrase "home made cottage pies"....

Y'know, i dunno??

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 18:43:16 GMT

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... I dunno, do prefer being a troglodyte or, a Hermit. I mean if i were a troglodyte i could permantly keep away from the sunlight but, i'd be even smaller. Where as if i opt for the Hermit option, i can be a lot smarter and not shrink to knee high. Although if i were a Hermit i'd have to lock myself away from everyone and, i think troglodytes a fairly sociable guys... Most goblin kin are anywho, if a lil' bit over zealous, going on violent with it... Well violence is cool i guess but, its so much better if you can think your way out of lifes little turmoils...

Lifes full of choices!?!?!

What an odd lil' day....

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 18:34:39 GMT

Hmmm... well, its been one odd lil' day and, well, not that little. I mean in the grand scale of things all days are resonably lil', but, i guess it's been an average sized day so far unless someone decides to cut it short on me... But, i don't think i'm gonna die just yet, so, yeah, anywho, the day may have been the right length so far but its still had it's odd "highlights"...

So, it started out normal enough, i got to work a bit early, decided i was still too tired to be bothered and, that i'd much sooner be at home.. So i reached a compromise with myself.. I'll just nap at my desk for a bit. That bit however became 45 minutes, until i was rudely woken by someone who needed my help... And, as, you all well know, waking me up is a bad start if you want me to help you and, not to mention how sick to death i fuckin am of writin macro after macro, for all the idiots in my office who alledgly "work in IT".

I mean, okay, the inability to write a macro might be forgivable but, when you have to explain to your boss that "this is a USB mouse, it goes in this hole and, this is a power cable it goes in the round hole.... now, this a plug, you know how that works, right??", it gets a bit much...

Then there was this guy in the bathroom doing this strange porn like straddle (All those that have ever seen a porno will know what i mean), into the urinal... He even had the whole porn cumin look... I hope he was takin a piss... Well, guess i'll never know, i was sooooooooo out of there like a shot!

So, yeah, other than that i am just knackered. It seems to be a runnin theme with me but, i really have no idea why.. It's not like i do a fat lot at work. Then again, i guess that could be the cause... Meh, tired...

Sermon of the blasphemous

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 23:21:48 GMT

I suppose i could sit here and write down everything thats happened of late in some kind of structured, beautifully sub catagorised celebration of the anal retention of the masses but, then again, i think i'd sooner be chaotic in my writings here. Chaos is, you see, the mother of all order and, duality is a father to us all, and, to all things. I mean there are so many forms of order i could put here, chronological, order of importance or, some other construct beyond our fields of understanding.... Oh, the possibilities of each word, the infinite worlds i can weave with them.

I could paint you a picture with my words, play for you the beauty of the souls language, show you what you fear or, that which you desire. I could warp the fine line between between good and bad, lies and truth. All these things i can command with a keyboard, a mind, and, my two hands.

Amazing what you can do with a computer really if your not willing to be bound by convention.

So now i'm done with the deep and cryptic bit, i'll actually get to some content!

I think duality is gonna be a theme here for this post. Things are going so well for me, yet for others i know, time is being far less fortunate and, fate unforgiving. That is to say that as last my life has taken form as i desire, others are fading into the eternal mist... In english, a friend tried to kill themselves this week because they felt as if there was nothing left for them in this world and, because they felt alone and, abandoned. And, in all honesty, who of us has not found themselves there or, knows someone who has looked the abyss deep in the eye. So i think that maybe we should all reflect upon our lives, knowing that we are no different from my friend and, that none of us is immune to despair, it needs only that we lose hope.

However, we must observe here the duality that hope can be found as easily as we can lose sight of it. All my friend need was a friend, just to know that they are not alone in this world and, if we care, it costs us nothing to reach out to people. We know when those closest to us are suffering, so maybe if we can take anything possitive from this, its that no-one is ever alone and, we should all be looking out for our kin.

In happier news, i am still well and truly mad, crazy, loca, head over heels in love :). Oh, and, heres a picture of the love of my life for all you curious ones out there as to what perfection looks like...

Click Here!

More updates to follow.... As of now, i'm knackered, lol.

Long time no update...

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 18:41:04 GMT

Hi everyone....

So yeah, it seems like a lifetime since i updated, and, now it actually seemed like i had something worth writing, as opposed to all the crap i usually post... Not that i dislike the crap i post, just that it might be an idea for me to post something poinient ocassionaly... Like now for instance...

So, yeah as some of you may know i am now engaged to be married!. And, to be honest i could'nt be happier!!. I have waited an awful long time to find someone, well, more accuratly that special someone, that special someone you want to be with every momment of every day, and, that it hurts to spend any time away from. And, now, i have!!.

Nothings all bad... Well most things...

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 13:03:47 GMT

Yeah, sounds bout right.

I think my life is becoming a living testament to the fact that nothings all bad, well most things. Its more just a case of trying to find the good in all situations and, coming to terms with the fact that things can't be going your way all the time.

This way i can find hapiness in my dissapointments.

The only real downer at the momment is that the fear has come back. I dont know how, why, or, even what, but it has returned. My dreams have turned to nightmares so vile my mind wont permit me to remember them and, i wake with a jolt and nausea. I can remember pieces but, like pages in a book they have little to tel me without knowing what came before and, what came after. Still, last night was rested, first in 4 or 5, so again, nothings all bad.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 16:35:53 GMT

WO0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0OO0!!!

That was one hell of a week! and, fuck, one hell of a weekend!!

Thankies to all those i ran into this weekend for making it so positively fuckin' A. So of those i can remember that would be...

- Ian
- Anjii
- Bex
- George (When he was awake)
- Dan
- Kayla
- Cleocatra (Yes, i know it looks like a typo but it's soooo not)
- Simon
- U!!
- Hannah (Nice Poi work)
- Nikki
- Anton
- The DA guys!(Because i can't remember all there names)
- Lupine
- Emily
- The pub landlord (Phil)
- Ozzy
- The other guy whose name i forgot...
- Scott
- Kieran
- The wonderful bar staff at the flapper and, scruffs
- Cian

And, erm anyone else i forgot :D

So yes, it's all good and, erm, well i really have no idea what to write so i'll plagerise a bit...

Song Lyrics for the week

You like to think you're never wrong
You have to act like you're someone
You want someone to hurt like you
You want to share what you've been through

Forfeit the game
Stop the tap show
Cry what you're worth
Your time to know
Forfeit the game
Because tomorrow
When it's all done
You'll reap what you sew

Linkin Park - Points of Authority

Heres hoping my good mood lasts the week.... Hmmmmmmmmm.... Anyhow if anyone can be arsed, feel free to pass comment on my atrousious behaviour this weekend,or, better yet, a completely random comment for no good reason, it's all good! (And it might make you smile.... Might).

Me Birdy!

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 17:35:43 GMT

*creaky door sounds added for dramatic effect and because i'm a bit of sad case like that*

Hi everyone, i know it's been a hell of a long time since i put anything here, well since i lost internet access at work really (which means i now have to work :(). Anywho butt loads been going on as i'm sure a few of you know but here a brief overview for those who don't...

- I ended up with an Evangelical Christian girlfriend... (Comments on a post without the card)

- ... Who then split up with me because i made the king of all mistakes, i was honest when i should have been "honest"... Hmmmmmmm...

- I am now doing better things with my time at work supporting all of HMRC and Customs' Particular needs users...

- ... But, i still managed to clock up 8 complaints and, 2 disaplinaries from my co workers... Mmmmm... Disipline.

- Had a wonderful birthday!. Thank you to everyone who came along and, to all those wonderful people i ran into (Who will probably never see this, but, meh!).

Other than that it's been a rather slow few monthes for me... So, yeah.

*Huage Smiles*

All comments, moans, gripes and, death threats gratefully received on a comment.

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 09:59:33 GMT

Complicated emotions
____________________

Well the black mood has subsided and, has been replaced by complications (joy).

I'll keep it short because i know i can go on a fair bit, so here goes...

Gupi has told me that she still loves me and, is having second thoughts about the relationship she is in at the momment. So i told her i still love her too. At the momment i am wondering what the hell i should be doing??, more accuratly what the hell am i doing??

Top marks to me for consistancy on getting myself into these kinds of situations.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 08:41:14 GMT

How very fucking dare you!
__________________________

Ah yes, the flipside to my black moods, the uncontrolled rage that fills me with fire.... Oh joy!

Well here you go people, a few of the not so plesant truthes in this world, possibly the most hurtful truth known to man...

'Nothing lasts forever'

Sounds, simple huh??. Well those words have far more implications than you imagine. I mean imagine that whatever hapiness you hold inside yourself now is'nt going to last forever and, the only thing that can replace it is an equal amount of hurt and anguish. Those who help you will eventually leave you. You were born so you must die and, all you ever worked for will cease to be with time, your life is all for nothing and, our acts are meaningless. So as you all sit happily tucked away from the horrors of this post in your fabrications of utopia just remember this, it is still true if you beleive it or not and, it rules your life.

Happy landings!

Oh, oh, oh, while i'm having a good ol' rampage lets address some of the other dressing people have put up in there lives. Like how little people actually know about themselves, how they lie to themselves, to others just to fit in... You know who you are!

Oh how painful the truth can be, oh how grand it is to be one of the honest ones!!

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 07:52:17 GMT

I hope that you find the peace in the next life that i could not bring you in this
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So begins day 1 of my grand gesture and, i realise now that although slim, there is a chance i will not make it out the other side of this one and, in all honesty (my blunt honesty) i will be glad if i don't.

I don't even think i will stop at the month as originally planned. I think that i may just let nature run it's course and let blissful sleep take me from this place.

Also, i think now might be a good time to explain my actions as they have changed from what would have originally been a rather simple test of endurance. In the time i have given myself to think i have made certain realisations, one of them being my ability to turn nearly anything to shit of late. Another would be the realisation that this world is full of people who live only to hurt one another, why would i want to continue in a place like this. Finally, the realisation that i will never become what i want to become regardless of how hard i try because, it will always be just out of my grasp, i will never find a happy relationship, i will never have a great job, i'll never be more than people thought i would be, so i wont even bother waste my petty life trying...

Real black mood!

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 07:59:52 GMT

The final countdown
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Strange how things turn out really. The one person i set out to destroy yesterday turned out to be my greatest strength.

So yes, i met up with Gupi yesterday with the ideal of crushing her and getting a start to my rampage underway but, at the end of the day, i just could'nt do it, thats not who i am.

Admittadly even what i have become of late is not who i am and, i have been somewhat of a shadow of my former self. All it really took for me to realise this was to remeber. Remember the good times i have had and, more importantly, why i had them.

I used to be a lot nicer and, also a lot fairer in my treatment of others. Showing others the mercy they showed me and, only lashing out at the ones that lashed out at me. No bitching, no sarcasm, no letting people get away with shit just to keep the group dynamics. I was happy. So i think a return to this. Oh, and, nice try y'all but i just won't be like you. You nearly got me but i'm still too nice of a person to sink to that level and, if i play the game straight i'll prosper in the long run.

In more obscure news Gupi has told me that she still loves me. Yeah, we went to our special spot in the park, reminised on how great things used to be, held hands, held each other and, then she told me. Now as well as giving me a warm feeling deep down, it also showed me the most important thing that i had neglected. Every person i have fallen for since her (most probably) did'nt give a rats ass about me, hence i think i have found out why my relationships keep going tits up. Knowing this and, knowing someone cares ought to help bring back the good ol' Drake.

So everyone, expect a change for the better in who i am and, my actions. :o)