[	Current Location	|	Arse end of nowhere	]
[	mood	|	Fed Up	]
[	music	|	New Model Army - No Rest	]

First off i want to start by appologising to everyone who was there on Saturday for what a mess i was. I don't remember much other than bleating away and for that i am sorry. It's not fair of me to put all you guys through so much when you only came out to have a good time.

I feel i owe you all an explanation at the very least but, i feel that also i should appologise for that too because it does not make for easy reading.

A lot of you guys know that i remember a lot and, that if you say something to me that i will likely never, ever forget it. So now i wan't to share with you all my memories before they break me.

Some of you may know that i had to bury Kat on Friday, some of you may not. Going through the greif i came to the realisation that in the end i was not that close to her but, still it hurts. It hurts like hell and, i really don't know what i am going to do if i ever have to bury any of you guys. I really don't think i could take it. It also really hurts knowing that of all the people on this earth i am one of the only ones she ever told the truth of things too and, if i owe her nothing else, i owe her the dignity that the truth be known and, that everyone know the secret she entrusted to me.

All her life Kat was abused. Mentally, physically and, Sexually. It all goes back to when she was 6. Most children can look to there parents for support, and, despite the sibling rivalary, love there brothers and sisters but, Kat never could. All her childhood her father told how horrible, fat and, ugly she was, while her mother stood idle and, secretly he abused her. Her father, was a member of a peadophile ring and would take her away often to the house of one of his friends where several people would as Kat put it "Take Turns" whilst filming and, photographing this whole horrible ordeal. This never stopped even whilst i was with Kat her father continued to rape her, once at the wake of her grandmother of all places, whilst her mother was one room below. She also told me of all the times that she was forced to fist fight with her brother by her eldest brother until someone was knocked out.

Another horror that Kat revealed to me was that of Sagius as some of you may know him or, to disallow him his pretence, Robert. I know that a lot of you had suspisions about him and, now i give you the truth. The truth of Robert is that he has been arrested for the possesion of child pornography and, that whilst he was with Kat he would make her retell the stories of his abuse in order to get himself off, rape her, keep her locked up and, now i can also tell you that when his sister was 11 he did also rape her.

With the pain of recalling all this i have also opened my own old wounds and, now i ready to let it all out. I have to because i have bottled up too much for too long and as Frank told me, nobody knows who i am because i never open up. So here it is.

My story is not a lot different from Kats except that with me it was always my mother. Constantly grinding me into the ground, telling me how worthless i am, blaming me for all her suffering and, now with the flashbacks i have had of late far worse. I'd forgotten how i was forced to share a bed from a very early age and, the things that she did to me. Things that had become no more than a vaugue nightmare but now i remeber them, i wish so much that i could forget. Also remembering that going through all this as a child the bullying at school and, far worse at home, that my father was never there for me. He still isn't. He is now as he was then, an alcoholic who can't bring himself to admit it. He is so hung up on his first love that he never put anything into his marriage with my mother and, now i watch day after day as he falls deeper into his senility, knowing that someday, i will be that mad too.

Over the years i have tried so hard to hide from who i am, what these people turned me into and everytime i have tried i have only succedeed in pushing myself closer to it. The self harm used to set me free, so did the promiscuity but now all they have done is brought me closer to my own destruction. All the self harm did was leave me with wounds that i am now covering with tattoos and, my fooling around only led to a feeling of distatse with myself and getting raped. I don't want it to all end this way, i really don't, but, i just feel so close to the edge and if it had'nt have been for Anjii on Saturday i was going for a short walk into traffic.

Now i have lost the love of my life because of who i am am and, now i am with someone who could'nt give a flying fuck about me, who is avoiding me and, who i can't bear to be sober around because it only makes the loss of Andrea that much more real. Living hurts so much at the momment and i can barely bare soberity.

I am just so sorry that you all have to suffer me and, i hope you can find it inside yourselves to forgive me, i am so sorry.